


Whore moments any% speedrun

by Anonymous



Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Alien STDs, BECAUSE ITS FUNNY AF, Begging, Beyblades, Catgirls, Crimes, Existential Crisis, ITS NSFW THERE'S LOTS OF NSFW, Intimidation, Mental Breakdown, Self Aware, Shapeshifting, Similes, Sleep Paralysis, Sleep Paralysis Demon, Temperature Play, Texting, Transformation, Video Game Consoles - Freeform, Waffle House, Wrestling, alcohol mention, alien fucking mentioned, anyways the burger, assassination attempt, bdsm but as a running joke, beyblade battle, blowjob, bubby has no genitals, cure for alien stds, darnold is a brony and we love him, eating out of, food crimes but with maple syrup, funeral beyblade, getting put on hold when calling customer service, getting run over by a car, government bird drones, if you read only the tags you can see the whole story outline, lab safety, little adventure, magical anime girl sequence, my little pony parallels, piss mention but its from the sonic dub quote, shadow the hedgehog but with a GUN, slight bsdm implication, something about planes is mentioned, the final battle is here!!, the floor is lava, they fight a cow, this is a shitpost, tommy saves the day, trans people, trust funds, video game achievements, whats new pussy cat woahhh woah woah woah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:20:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26788111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: yep, that’s me. You might be thinking “why are you running down the street in boxers and a shirt away from a guy with a robotic hand”, well it’s a long story”
Relationships: don't think about it too hard - Relationship, they all are dating i guess, well most of them at least - Relationship
Comments: 8
Kudos: 11
Collections: Anonymous





	1. CH1: "this is a major shitpost, biggest shit i've ever taken”

**Author's Note:**

> “Bahama and I are the worst personalities to put together because I take jokes too far and make content for it and Bahama's not joking”

Benrey awoke on the couch after feeling something slightly shift under him. His head was foggy on what events unfolded last night. The couch wasn’t an odd place to wake up in since he had fallen asleep there during late-night gaming sessions before but something was off. The memory of last night was replayed in his head, there was some brunette guy, real short, that came over to his place, the entire event being hazy, and now the man was missing. He rubbed his eyes, squinting a bit due to the light of the morning sun shining through the window.

“Huh-” 

The now visible dust particles suspended in the air seemed to highlight a spot lacking dust on the table. 

Huh, what? 

Oh shit. 

Benrey threw off the blanket and ran to the apartment door. He remembered it clearly now. 

“Kyle! Fuck you, bro!” Benrey yelled, sprinting after the brunette that had stolen his PS5. 

“Already did!” Kyle replied, not slowing down. Although the threat of losing his PS5 fueled the pale gamer to run more than he would have ever done, Benrey eventually stopped to catch his breath. Meanwhile, Kyle returned to his own house and as soon as he entered, Benrey forgot about how Kyle stole his PS5. 

After escaping with Benrey’s PS5 Kyle started setting up the device. The prior night was a little disappointing but this was a decent “payment”. Kyle had originally gone to Benrey’s house to “play some video games” (if you get my drift) but all Benrey gave Kyle was a disappointing handjob. The PS5 booted up and Kyle instantly opened up the messaging app to see the messages between Benrey and Gordon. The older messages consisted of mainly Gordon cursing out Benrey and Benrey responding with <3’s and >;3 however the most recent messages went as such: 

<Benrey> bro sorry i missed last nights gaming sess i got an actual job now… ill catch it tonight tho luv u mwah :(

<Gordon> aslkshghklhg okay … proud of you btw 

Kyle shut off the console and headed out again to Gordon’s house. 

“Hey, Gordon!” Kyle yelled, slamming open the door. Gordon was in the kitchen wearing an apron at the stove. 

“How- Kyle how the fuck did you get in here? The door was locked??” 

“Yeah,” Kyle said, locking the door as he slinked over to Gordon, trapping him against the stove and reaching over to turn off the stove’s flame. “Now it is” 

Gordon looked into the pan on the stove, his face hot from the stove and other things. 

“Okay, you- you wanna do it? You wanna fucking go?” Gordon asked, turning towards Kyle “I got like 5 hours until I gotta pick up Joshie” 

Kyle nodded excitedly and pulled Gordon close. He took his crotch and started grinding his against Gordon's, causing Gordon to have even more blood rush to his face. 

“H-hey uh can we d-do this in the bedroom?” Gordon stammered.

“Wuh? Oh uh yeah. Sorry.” Kyle said as he got off of Gordon.

“It’s uh… it’s fine…” Gordon said, trying to hold back his fucking redness.

Gordon placed the pan down onto the stove and headed towards the bedroom with him. Gordon sat on the edge bed, fumbling with the sheets a bit. Kyle noted his hesitancy. 

“What’s up?” Kyle said, turning towards and interlocking his hands with Gordon’s. Gordon looked away, his face scrunched together in concern.

“I’m on some medication but I’m sure it’s fine,” Gordon said. Kyle shrugged and pulled Gordon into a sloppy kiss. 

Gordon kissed back hard, his hands pulling Kyle closer. Kyle got up from the bed, placing his knee between Gordon’s legs to grind up against his throbbing cock. He pushed the long-haired man down so he was lying back on the bed, effectively pinning him there. 

Gordon rutted his hips against Kyle’s leg, trying to get some more friction on his dick to relieve at least some of the tension. Kyle pulled back from the kiss with a smirk and looked at Gordon’s slightly ticked off face. 

“Let’s get you out of these clothes,” Kyle said, tugging at Gordon’s shirt. Gordon slipped off the shirt to reveal his dilf bod. Kyle leaned down to kiss Gordon’s neck which caused the other man to slightly gasp and tighten his grip on Kyle’s shirt. 

After a bit, Kyle “accidentally” brushed up against Gordon’s raging boner causing a choked gasp to come from the other man. Kyle looked at Gordon’s face, noting how flushed he became.

“Dude, please” Gordon panted, trying to rub his crotch against Kyle’s knee.

“Hm?” Kyle asked, pausing for a second before lightly brushing up Gordon’s boner again. “Whaddaya want?”

“Kyle, damn, please! Fucking, grind against me, please” Gordon begged, his hands moving to grip the sheets. Kyle obliged and started grinding his knees up against Gordon’s cock. “Ghhhng, please. Please let me fuck you”

Kyle grinned, liking how Gordon begged him for something more. Gently tugging on Gordon’s hair, he oriented them so that Kyle was sitting on Gordon’s lap so Gordon could begin prepping him. 

Kyle gasped a bit as he felt Gordon’s cold metal hand contrast greatly with the warmth he felt. It was almost refreshing as it entered him, paving a cold path he was desperate to heat up. After a moment, Gordon began pushing his cock in Kyle pulling at his hair as they began to move. Eventually, Gordon filled Kyle up like a fucking nerf super soaker. 

Kyle got up after the good fuck. It was an improvement from the time he had with Benrey but he was still unsatisfied. Though, something caught his eye. Kyle quickly pulled on his boxer and grey t-shirt and got out of the apartment. Gordon walked in from the kitchen, mug in hand, adjusting his glasses. 

The mug shattered on the ground. 

“Oh, fuck no. He didn’t” Gordon said, running towards the tv stand. His Xbox was missing. Gordon ran out of the house and chased Kyle down the street. 

“Gimme back my Xbox you fucker!” Gordon yelled, gaining on Kyle. It almost seemed like he was going to catch up but Kyle quickly jumped onto a nearby bus which was just driving off. The bus driver honestly didn’t give two fucks and let Kyle for 20 dollars. Making his way to the back of the bus, Kyle, Xbox still in hand, looked out and saw Gordon still running after the bus. Gordon eventually slowed, hands on his knees, panting hard.

“Yo bro, why are you in the street?” A voice called. Gordon let out a growl. It was Benrey, just his luck. 

“I got fucking robbed...What are you doing out here?” Gordon replied, glaring at Benrey.

“Huh?”

“You never go outside! Why are you outside?”

“Huh? Oh, I’m just. Uh. My PS5 went going gone. What’s. what’s your story?” 

“Kyle, that asshole. He fucking-- we fucked and he STOLE my fucking Xbox” 

“Whah- who’s Kyle?” Benrey asked. 

“Short dude, brown hair, absolute unit?” 

“Uh shit. Thought his name was Bahama. He took my PS5” 

There was a pause.

“Hah, loser lost his Xbox bro,” Benrey said, pointing at Gordon in a taunting way. 

“He stole your PS5 also though??”

“Fuck, yeah he did, bro”

“Well come on! Let’s go find his ass” 

“You’d like that huh bro” 

“Shut your mouth,” Gordon said, walking off. Benrey promptly followed and they looked for Kyle. However, they soon forgot as Kyle entered his house as the police do in GTA. Now with two game consoles in his possession, Kyle started to game but quickly grew bored of it. There was an itch in his crotch (haha foreshadowing) so he decided to go to Tommy's house. 

Tommy was reading a book when he heard a tap on his window. He tensed up in surprise but then relaxed when he saw Kyle. 

“Oh, hi, Kyle!” Tommy said.

“Hi, uh you busy?”

“No. I’m just, yeah” 

“Can I come in?”

“Sure, welcome!” Tommy said, stepping aside as Kyle pulled himself through the window. Kyle looked around, now sitting on the ground. 

“Yo, you got a large bed,” Kyle said, looking at Tommy’s queen-size bed as Tommy helped Kyle up. 

“Yeah. I inherited it from college” Tommy said, sitting down on it. “What’s up?”

“Can we, like, fuck? I got an itch in my dick” Kyle said, sitting next to Tommy “It’s okay if you don’t want to I know it’s kinda-” 

Kyle was cut off by Tommy’s lips on his. 

After making out for exactly 5 minutes and 24 seconds, in which they removed the majority of their clothes. Tommy ripped away Kyle’s boxers like a Beyblade.

“Huh, that’s a bit different from what I remembered,” Tommy commented, looking at Kyle’s dick like a Beyblade. He was sure it was a bit smaller because after all, he memorized his body to the point that if he was ever given a quiz on it he would ace it, like a Beyblade. Kyle’s newer dick looked a bit alien-ish but Tommy didn’t question it because that would be rude.

Tommy began to eat Kyle out, toying with his own dick like a Beyblade. Kyle pulled at Tommy’s hair, moaning in pleasure because why the fuck else would you be moaning?? Shut the fuck up, dear reader. Finally, Tommy came up for air and cautiously licked his own lips. 

“Hey, uh, babe?” Tommy said, his face scrunching up in confusion. Shit, maybe he would fail that hypothetical exam about Kyle’s body. ”You taste like blue raspberry. I’m not complaining or anything but like you might wanna-” 

Tommy then decided to shut the fuck up and fuck the shut up until he had Kyle moaning his name. Eventually, Tommy came and so did Kyle because that’s what happens after sex. (I know this because I am a sex master.) They were also exhausted, like a Beyblade. 

Tommy sighed and gave Kyle a small smile as he handed him a small soda keychain. Tommy gave a soda keychain to everyone he fucked to keep track of everyone. It was like a goody bag from a party but the only party was the one in Tommy’s pants. 

“Hey, I’m gonna go clean up, ‘kay? Stains are no joke” Tommy said, getting up to take a shower. 

Meanwhile, Kyle listened to the water hit the shower floor. Tommy liked long showers so maybe Kyle would join later. But that was not this time.

Kyle instead sat up to look at himself in the mirror and saw that he was going through one of those anime transformation scenes. His skin was turning a light purple and his eyes started to glow. He also had new sharp teeth. Kyle looked down and saw that his “blue raspberry tasting” cum was also glowy. It was like he was a glow stick except he didn’t have to break any bones to get the glow. 

“Oh shit, I must have gotten it from Gordon because I got a dick before I fucked Tommy,” Kyle said, thinking now allowed. 

Kyle looked at the mirror closely. Hey, purple didn’t look bad on him. But that wasn’t the thing he was focused on. He was focused on Tommy’s Nintendo switch. It was one of those limited edition animal crossing printed ones...

Tommy got out of the shower. He honestly expected Kyle to join him at some point, the flirty bastard, but it didn’t happen. 

“Huh--that’s odd. I wonder where he went” Tommy thought aloud, hands clutching the small towel around his neck. Tommy looked around, feeling that something was different. 

It wasn’t the mess of red sheets on the bed or the lack of the other man but something else. 

Wait shit--

“Holy CRAP-” Tommy yelled, his hands reaching up to grip his hair. He practically slid to the table in panic. The limited-edition animal crossing printed Nintendo switch was missing. “It’s gone! And so are my Dad’s house keys!” 

Kyle heard Tommy’s yells from the shed as he sprinted away with the limited edition animal crossing printed Nintendo switch in hand. After placing the limited edition animal crossing printed Nintendo switch in the pile of other stolen game consoles, Kyle went to Cheese-cake Factory.

At Cheese-cake Factory he saw Coomer and Bubby at one of the outside tables. Kyle saw that Coomer had brought his Gamecube and was now playing the game Super Punchout on the tv screen which also happened to be on the table. Kyle wanted the Gamecube to add to his video game console collection but he had to distract Bubby somehow! Kyle didn’t wanna fuck Bubby though because Bubby looks like a hairless cat and he also doesn’t have genitals because he is the perfect human with no need for gender or reproduction. 

It was also a common fact that Bubby was a black mesa catgirl. Only perfect humans can be catgirls but catgirls have a weakness and Kyle knew this. Kyle grabbed one of the cheeses sold at the Cheese-cake factory and threw it onto Bubby’s head, stunning him. Bubby stood up and stumbled back, knocking over the cakes on the table. 

“Bubby, you’re breaking all the cakes! Now we’ll never figure out the puzzle to get the combined cheesecake!” Coomer said, running to his husband’s side to help him up. Kyle took this chance to seize the Gamecube and spirited away. Bubby tried to go after Kyle but the cheese slap drained all his energy and his pyrokinesis only let out a small spark. 

After that, Kyle went to G-man’s house using the key that Tommy unwittingly gave him. Kyle committed Grand Theft and started stealing all the cool shit G-man had in his vortex house which wasn’t a lot because G-man was a sad little man with poor taste. 

“Uh...eh-hem” G-man said, clearing his throat, adjusting his tie. G-man was clad in a suit but his pants were dress pants cut into shorts and he had on his Gucci Sliders™. G-man got close to Kyle in a very un-sexy manner “What are...you doing...here….Kyle…? And...what happened...to you…? Did you contract….an alien...STD?”

Kyle dropped G-man’s lame-ass Wii u and ran out. He didn’t want to fuck Tommy’s old crusty twink father. 

“Hey…..where are you…..going?” G-man called after Kyle, freezing time. “Are you….going to….fuck…..me?” 

Kyle picked up the pace but it was like he was running in place.

“I’m not gonna fuck you,” Kyle said, not even turning around to G-man.

“Aw….that hurts...my feelings…” G-man said, unfreezing time. He was very sad now. “Why…?”

“Uh, because I fucked your son? And that would be weird?” Kyle said. G-man’s puppy dog eyed expression dropped and his face fell. 

“You….whot….?” G-man said in disbelief, briefly going British for a moment. G-man then saw the small soda keychain dangling from Kyle’s hand and knew he wasn’t lying.

“I fucked Tommy. Did I misspeak or--” Kyle started before taking note of his surroundings. He was in a glowy white room empty besides a small bed with a small window in which small other glowy cubes could be seen with an aurora borealis like glow surrounding them. “--Where the fuck?” 

“Welcome to the void-space prison, Kyle” G-man voice said, echoing the room. ‘What’s new pussycat’ was playing in a loop in the background using the infinite jukebox machine. “It’s...also known...fondly...by some as...the infinite...Applebees…” 

“Wh- why am I here? I didn’t do anything wrong” Kyle said, looking around.

“Attempted….Grand...Theft” G-man said, voice getting annoyed. There was a click as if the intercom was turning off. “I fuck...ing...hate Grand Theft…Auto….”

Oh...right. 

Kyle looked around, looking at the bed. It was a pretty busy day after all so he decided to take a nap. Eventually, he woke up and decided to escape. 

“Are….you...trying to….escape? That’s...impossible. Your attempts….are futile” G-man said.

“No prison can hold me :3” Kyle replied “Open up or else I’ll break out” 

“No….wait- how the...fuck did you...say “:3“... aloud-” Gman started before Kyle slapped his ass so hard the void-space prison shattered. Adrian, however, was still stuck securely in the space void prison, forever listening to “What’s new Pussycat”. He cries every day.

G-man stared at Kyle like this as he escaped: 

Adrian asked if he could leave too but G-man ignored him because he  _ had _ seen enough. 

G-man sat down and poured himself a glass of whisky, sad, and in the middle of a mental breakdown. Suddenly the phone ran and he saw that it was from his son, Tomcat. It was a cool name from the Official Warrior Cat Name Generator, a vital tool used by humans in naming their offspring. It was the same son that fucker Kyle just freshly fucked. G-man set down the glass and took a long swig from the bottle before answering the phone. 

<Tommy> Hey Mr. Dad! I, uh, need to ask you something. 

<G-man> what….is it..Thomas? 

<Tommy> So, uh, can I get 46 dollars and 35 cents? I need it because my limited edition animal crossing printed Nintendo switch got stol- er- lost! I lost it! And I need to by another one or else my animal crossing kin Bob is going to die and--

G-man thought for a moment. 46 dollars? And 35 cents? That was a very specific and familiar set price. Only medicines, cures, and curses cost that price and nothing else. 

<G-man> Thomas...are you trying...to curse...someone? 

<Tommy> Uh, what?? No, of course not, I’m not like, evil at all or anything! It’s not even a curse, it's just a cure. 

<G-man> A...cure? 

<Tommy> Ah, oh, uh, I just misspoke! It’s a curse. Yep, yes, definitely it is. Uh, do you hear that in the background? That’s a--yeah I have to feed Sunkist it’s 3 pm! 

Tommy hung up. It was not 3 pm. G-man sighed and sent over the money, sipping the whisky again as the notification popped up stating what was bought. 

G-man spat out the whisky. Tommy bought an alien STD cure. How the fuck did that happen? G-man knew that Tommy could handle himself but that didn’t stop him from worrying about him like parents often did. Then it hit him. Kyle gave Tommy the alien STD--that purple motherfu- er rather, sonfucker fucker! 

G-man called in a request. And waited.

Kyle was hanging at his house, playing some video games when suddenly he heard a knock at his door. He swung open the door to reveal Forzen. 

“Hi,” Forzen said, standing there, arms beside his sides. “I’m here to assassinate you. For fucking Tommy and giving him alien STDs” 

Kyle said nothing but then Forzen pulled out a knife and Kyle knocked him to the ground. Forzen scrambled into the living room and stood on the couch, still brandishing the knife. 

“Hah! I win, stupid!” Forzen said “The floor is lava! You are dead!”

Forzen looked on at Kyle in triumph which then quickly fell to fear when Kyle didn’t drop dead. 

“I- but I won?--” Forzen started before getting cut off by Kyle lunging at him and pinning him down to the couch. 

  
“I got lava proof shoes, fucker!” Kyle yelled. Forzen’s face flushed.

“You, you’re going to fucker me? I, uh, well. Well, I accept!’ Forzen said, throwing the knife to the ground. The knife glitched out of the world, consumed by the lava. Kyle blinked. 

He could use this to his advantage. 

“Get some rope, bro,” Kyle said, “we’re gonna tie you up” 

“R-really?” Forzen said excitedly, face flushing even more. “Yes sir! I’ll do that asap!” 

Forzen brought over rope and Kyle tied him up in an erodick way. 

“G-man, my boss, said that you’ve been fucking everyone but him, and like if that’s true you’d fuck me too, huh?” Forzen stammered as Kyle looked at his handwork in tying him up. “You, you remember me, right? I remember a Kyle in the combined military.” 

Kyle shrugged. He wasn’t even in the military. Fuck the police.

“Though, it says that Kyle was deceased from being chomped in half by like a giant monster thingy…” Forzen continued. It must be another dude with the same name so Kyle shrugged. Kyle was a common name and names usually had multiple people with the same name. Except for the name Forzen because it was lame. The expectance to fuck had caused Forzen to lose brain cells already.   
  
Kyle wasn’t ever an eagle scout and never learned tie knots but he knew how to tie shoelaces together. He figured it’d hold Forzen. Besides, it looked like Forzen wasn’t aiming to escape based on the boner the ex-military-but-still-government-employed had sported. Kyle left and started playing AVGN. That snapped Forzen out of his fantasy. 

  
  


“Holy fuck! This is torture! You were never aiming to fuck me in the first place, huh??” Forzen yelled as Kyle walked away. Meanwhile, G-man was watching from a government bird drone charging on a nearby power line as Kyle walked out of the building. Enraged, G-man turned on his fancy interdimensional broadcasting system, unlocking it by dancing a secret dance on the DDR pad. Adjusting his tie, he spoke: 

“Kyle is a... bitch ass...motherfucker. He came... on my fucking son…Thomas. That's right.. He took his horny fucking manlet dick out… and he cummed on my fucking son, and he said that it was "t h i s b i g" and I said... that's disgusting. So, I'm making a callout post,, on my Twitter.com: Kyle, you got a small dick... It's the size of this walnut except smaller... And guess what? Here's what my dong looks like. (explosion noises) That's right, baby. Tall points, no pillows. Look at that, it looks like two balls and a bong. He fucked my son, that manlet,, so guess what? I'm gonna fuck the Earth. THAT'S RIGHT, THIS IS WHAT YOU GET! MY SUPER LASER PISS! Except I'm not gonna piss on the Earth,,, I'm gonna go HIGHER. I'm PISSING ON THE MOON!!! How do you like that, OBAMA? I PISSED ON THE MOON, YOU IDIOT!”

The broadcast cut out and the birds started chirping again. Meanwhile, Kyle went back to his house after a long day of fucking and committing theft and drifted off to sleep. 

Kyle awoke in a white infinitely-expanding plain. Well, not quite awake, he was still dreaming after all. A shadow stepped out of nowhere and approached him. Kyle couldn’t see the face--it was a tall figure clad in a suit. Starting to panic, Kyle stepped back before noticing the Gucci slides the figure had on. It was G-man. Kyle’s fear quickly devolved into annoyance.

“Hey stop bothering me! I’m trying to dream about when I fucked your son!” Kyle said, intensely imagining the fucking he did earlier. The memories of Kyle fucking Tommy popped up on the plain and G-man let out a low hiss. 

“What...the...FUCK!” G-man said, burying his face into his hands. He turned to look at Kyle in disgust and send him cryptic blots of ink. 

“Shit bro, are you gonna murder me or something?” Kyle said as the darkness engulfed him. If G-man had the power to manipulate his dreams then G-man had the power to murder him! He was a part of the government after all. But wait, Tommy liked Kyle (at one point) so he most likely wouldn't get murdered. No, he’d probably just lose his sanity as G-man would fuck with him in horrific ways. 

It was tomorrow and Kyle woke up. 

After staying on guard for a while, jumping at every little song on his way to the 7/11, Kyle came to realize that G-man is a wimp and wouldn’t do shit in fear of hearing his son’s moans again. Feeling satisfied, Kyle sipped on his blue raspberry slushie. G-man isn’t going to haunt him and the birds are chirping signaling that they are not currently in use. Kyle walks down the street, a smile on his face. 

Everything is calm.

The author is fucking dying. 


	2. CH2 “its 3 min past my bedtime i can not die”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Kyle and Tommy text convo is based off of this: https://toxictiktoks.tumblr.com/post/623676638982455296

Wake up. 

Breakfast.

Drop Joshie off.

Head to the 7/11 with his theoretical physics degree.

Pick Joshie up. 

Make dinner. 

Sleep and Repeat.

It had been a couple of months since Gordon last had any adventure. And, he was content with that. So, why was he taking a new path on his walk home? He kicked a broken bottle on the ground, punctuating the question on his mind. It wasn’t dangerous or anything--he was Gordon-fucking-Freeman, one of the sole survivors of the infamous black mesa government failure. He could handle himself. But it was pretty foggy and this was pretty stupid, even for him. 

Gordon shivered slightly, feeling eyes on him. He turned around, paranoid, and saw...absolutely nothing. It was foggy as shit after all. Okay, maybe he did go looking for an adventure after all--but it wasn’t like he wanted to commit to one! 

“Okay Gordon, focus, focus focus! Focus on getting home and making tacos! I’m going home and making tacos and nobody can do anything about it” Gordon said aloud, to what he thought was the paranoia in his head.

“Not if I can help it” A voice called out. Gordon went cold before he remembered who that voice belonged to. Now, his blood boiled. It was that fucker, Kyle. Gordon turned around, seeing Kyle standing in front of him--but it wasn’t Kyle? Goddamn, was Benrey playing another prank on him?

“Heeeeeeyyyyyy Gordon!” Kyle said, hooking his arm around Gordon

"Gah! What the fuck happened to you?!"

"Oh you know, after that little romp with you, you gave me a space STD. Bet you became a carrier after fucking something on Xen or something. At first, it sucked but now I'm fucking loving it, man." Kyle said, flashing Gordon a smile with his now sharp teeth. "I even figured out lotta tricks I could do because of what you gave me. So how about I get to show you some?"

Kyle backed Gordon against the wall and put his hand up against it. Kyle barely came up to his chest.

"Wow, you-you really think you're intimidating being that short?" Gordon said, scoffing.

"Oh, so you want me to be intimidating? I can do that." Kyle said with a massive grin as the next thing Gordon knew, Kyle was towering over him.

"Oh holy shit..." Gordon said as he looked up at Kyle. He couldn't help but focus on his mouth with glowing saliva.

"Oh, you looking at my mouth? Yeah, guess it turned me into whatever the fuck Benry is. Hey did you know that I can grow big enough to eat someone whole?"

"Uh-uh no I-I didn't know."

"Wanna see?" Kyle said, smirking. Gordon’s eyes widened, seeing an opportunity.

"Actually...I  _ do _ wanna see" Gordon said, strained. Kyle opened his mouth to respond to Gordon’s snarky remark, except there was no snarky remark to respond too. 

Was Gordon really into this shit? Last time Kyle did it with him, Gordon was vanilla as fuck. But now that he was here and the ability for this now possible, not theoretical, would Gordon bite? Gordon let out a strained sound, snapping Kyle out of his thoughts. Gordon looked down, his lower lip trembling, his face in a frown. It looked like Gordon was actually debating it. 

"Really?" Kyle asked, dumbfounded.

There was a long pause. 

Then there was laughter floating through the air. 

“Fuck no dude!” Gordon said, finally releasing the laugh he was holding back. His tone suddenly grew aggressive “Why would I want to fuck  _ you _ ? You stole my fucking Xbox” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kyle said, blinking. There was audible his heard behind him and before he turned around Kyle was the one being pressed up against the wall, his face against the bricks and his hands behind his back.

“You messed with my bro? Thief?” Benrey growled into Kyle’s ear.

“Holy shit Benrey, I never thought I’d be so happy to see you” Gordon called from a distance. 

Kyle blinked. Kinda hot. 

“You’re doing it wrong,” Kyle said, panting a bit. 

“What wrong? What am I doing wrong?” Benrey asked. There was fear in his eyes. Kyle took a deep breath, read to recite his knowledge from memory. 

“How to spoon. Dick hard in butt. Titty in my hand. Kiss ya neck.” Kyle said, matter factly as if he was reciting the emancipation proclamation. “Hell yeah”

“What?” Benrey mumbled, confused. 

“ _ How to spoon. Dick hard in butt. Titty in my hand. Kiss ya neck. _ ” Kyle said, a bit more forcefully as if he was arguing with the McDonalds cashier about fighting Ronald McDonald's in the freezer. “ _ Hell yeah _ ”

“Huh?” Benrey said, grow a bit confused and a little bit fearful. For a moment, Benrey let off on the pressure and Kyle used this to push Benrey so he stumbled backward so he could run off into the night. Benery snapped and let out a low growl, activating his security guard power and sprinted after him.

Unfortunately, because Kyle had 12-minute miles, he didn’t get that far. Kyle was thrown to the ground and Benrey crouched over him, drooling a bit. Because he activated his security guard power, Benrey’s form morphed slightly to show monster-like features. 

“Oh, that’s hot” Kyle breathed out after getting the air knocked out of him from the throw. 

“Huh? What?” Benrey said, his rage subsiding therefore causing the monster-like features to fade too. The two remained there in silence, Benrey shifting slightly in nervousness. 

Suddenly, Shadow the hedgehog cocked his AK47 rifle and sniped Kyle. 

“How cool is that dudes?” Shadow the hedgehog said, laughing before he ran off into the night. 

Unfortunately, as Kyle found out later, he survived. He survived because of his Alien STDs which at this point were no longer curable but also no longer transmittable. 

“Hey, doc, why is it called an STD if it’s so cool?” Kyle asked, fumbling with his hospital shirt with a rubber ducky pattern on it. Dr. Coomer clone #546 looked up after scribbling onto the clipboard. 

“Well, Mr. Kyle, as you’ve seen, the STD has physical effects on you--the purple skin, glowly fluids as well as shapeshifting. Unfortunately, over time due to the genetic mutations your cells go through, you will be unable to shapeshift back to your original human form and your limbs will become deformed. But overall, that doesn’t happen for another 244.67 years and I’m sure you’ll die before!” Dr. Coomer clone #546 said, beaming. “I also noticed you have discovered the trick to shapeshifting! How wonderful. You see, shapeshifting is based on how your brain sees yourself, you will become. This is particularly great if you are dysphoria anyway because the shapeshifting will swap out the parts. Though, the new part will be mostly alien. However, this means you can’t necessarily control it well because it shifts into how you see yourself...This means you shouldn’t try to deform your limbs too much because you may end up stuck like that”

Kyle nodded, sitting back. Gordon then entered Kyle’s room.

“Hey,” Gordon said, looking away, as he brought his hand to the back of his head. “I’m here to pay for your STD care stuff. Since I gave it to you ‘n all” 

“Wait, how did you transmit it to me anyway?” Kyle asked

“Uh, I was on medication to get cure it fully but I didn’t finish the treatment,” Gordon said. The two stood there in an awkward silence which was broke by Dr. Coomer clone #546 snapping the clipboard in half. 

“Anyways, Mr. Kyle, you are free to go! I need that bed now so get out” Dr. Coomer clone #546 said. Kyle got up and made his way to the door. The ceiling above the bed he was lying in suddenly caved in with another Coomer clone WWE body slamming it. Another patient, though this one wasn’t quite so patient. 

Kyle walked outside and sat at a bench. He didn’t have anyone to drive him home and he couldn’t drive himself because driving Sienna Fords was on the list of things you can’t do with an Alien STD. Debating a bit, Kyle pulled out his phone and texted Tommy who was still, understandably, pissed at him. Tommy wasn’t the type of guy to forgive--he held passive-aggressive grudges against people for up to 2 years in business days. Still, Kyle hit send.

<Kyle> Hey Tommy, can u pick me up??

<Tommy> Bitch, you literally broke into my dad’s house

<Tommy> after ROBBING ME of my limited edition animal crossing printed Nintendo switch

<Tommy> Yeah, I don’t think I wanna be your friend anymore >:(

<Kyle> Okay, thin mint

<Kyle> I got ur dad into BDSM

<Kyle> I’m still coming over to see you idfc 

<Kyle> Ever wonder why he got leashes and collars 

<Kyle> Despite Sunkist belonging to you? 

<Tommy> Hey asshole, you literally just killed me in flappy bird because of your messages

<Tommy> I’m breaking up with you you don’t even deserve a break up in person 

#This number is no longer available. Fuck off dipshit. Sincerely, verizon# 

Kyle sighed and turned off the phone and decided to exhaust his last last last resort--Tommy’s dad. 

“Hey, cocks are inflexible” Kyle yelled which promptly teleported him to the space-void. G-man gave Kyle a sly smile and began to clear up a common misconception. 

G-man:  [ https://youtu.be/WbRn0jzBXWM ](https://youtu.be/WbRn0jzBXWM)

Kyle was forced to listen to that whole speech and was promptly teleported to his own home. Oh god, never again. He would walk next time. 

Meanwhile, Gordon got a call from Tommy. 

<Gordon> Hey Tommy, what’s up?

<Tommy> Hey :( can you come over? I’m feeling down

<Gordon> Sure thing hun, where are you at? 

<Tommy> at my dad’s house. He’s not here though 

Gordon clicked the phone close and headed over there. Tommy opened the door, his face downcast until he saw Gordon which caused him to instantly perk up. Tommy invited him in and Gordon stepped in, never being in G-man’s house before. 

“Hey so, why are you here anyway, Tommy?” Gordon asked. 

“They decided to bulldoze down my house to make a railroad,,, and I fucking hate trains,” Tommy said, eyes getting teary. Gordon sensed what his friend needed and enveloped him into a hug, gently rubbing his back. 

“It’s okay,” Gordon said, giving Tommy a small kiss on the head “We can ask Bubby to commit arson on the train like during the Haymarket Riot in 1886.” 

Tommy gave him a small smile but it still seemed like something was bothering him. Gordon wasn’t sure what though. He didn’t ponder on it for too long when Tommy invited him to play Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga, a thing he wouldn’t pass up because it held all the star wars knowledge, present, and future. 

After gaming for a while, Gordon leaned back and looked around. There were several boxes of Tommy’s stuff in a neat stack from his demolished home. There were also a variety of different sized collars and leashes. 

“Damn Tommy, I know you have Sunkist but this seems like a lot for one dog,” Gordon said. 

“That’s not mine. Those are my dad’s” Tommy said offhandedly, focusing more on the game. He did not want to think, he did not want to think.

“Your dad has a dog?!” Gordon said. Honestly, he couldn’t see G-man having a dog at all. Not even one of those freaky long greyhound dogs. 

“I hope so,” Tommy said, depressingly. Maybe that was what was troubling Tommy. But why would G-man possibly having a dog trouble Tommy? Or maybe it was G-man not having a dog for those leashes that troubled Tommy.

Anyways, the pair continued to game while Kyle made his way home, exhausted. He settled down in his bed, pulling up the blue blankets, falling into a deep sleep, charging up for the next day.

It was hard to breathe. Kyle’s eyes snapped open and he tried to sit up. 

Nothing moved. He was frozen. 

His breath was shaky and he glanced around, his eyes settling on the red letters of the alarm clock--3:45. There was motion he caught from the corner of his eye. He turned back and saw a four-legged shadow crawl onto his bed. It crouched down, preparing to lunge at him. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t move. Kyle squeezed his eyes shut and waited. 

Waited.

He parted his eyes slightly and Kyle looked upwards to see a large shadow. It moved to look downwards, its eyes highlighting the movement. Then, its lips spread, revealing human teeth, the only thing illuminating the shadow in the dim light of the electric clock. 

Unnerving. 

The shadow leaned in closer, his muzzle of human teeth filling up most of Kyle’s view. 

It growled. The red sheets seem to intensify the energy in the room. 

The shadow started moving, morphing, growing limbs of all shapes and sizes. It wasn’t too visible in the dim lights but the lines provided hinted at some monstrosity and it didn’t take too much imagination to see what it was like. 

After what felt like hours, the shadow then left and Kyle was finally able to move again. He went to the bathroom and splashed water on his face before heading to G-man’s house. 

“Hey, asshole!” Kyle yelled, unlocking the door with the stolen house keys and walking into the living room. G-man was there, standing completely still, looking into a wall. 

“What?” G-man said, not turning to Kyle “I am...trying...to watch...some...t….v...here”

“You! Fuck off with your weird evil cryptic dreams!” 

“I...don’t...know what...you’re….talking about” G-man said, breaking away from his staring at the wall and only turning his head to look at Kyle. 

“Cut the shit man! You fuckin--” Kyle paused, noticing how messy the house was. “What, what happened here?”

“Thomas...his house got...run over...per...say...by a bulldozer so...he’s staying here...with me”

“I don’t remember him having this many leashes,” Kyle said, carving a trail into the dust on one. 

“Those...aren’t his” G-man said. 

“Oh. Damn, I didn’t know you had a dog” 

“I...don’t”

“Then, why do you have so many leashes?” Kyle said, before completely regretting it. How did he manage to guess that G-man was into BDSM? What he was saying to Tommy before was a complete lie, something made up to piss him off. 

“You...know… ;)” G-man said, putting a finger to his lips to shush him. 

Oh geeze. Kyle left and when clicked the door to his apartment closed he leaned against the door, sliding down and placing his head in his hands. He couldn’t get back to sleep. He wasn’t going to even try. Instead, Kyle pulled out a vacuum cleaner. 

He was about to make his problem everyone else's. 

Plus, the loud sound drowned out his thoughts. 

Kyle dragged the vacuum across the carpet, drawing straight, orderly paths into it. He tried his best to line them up as close as possible, focusing. 

The vacuum then clicked off and he felt hands grab his arms and hoist him up into the air.

“Your vacuum knows how to suck and it does it well” A cheerful voice rang out. Ah, it was Dr. Coomer. Kyle knew that Bubby wasn’t too far behind either. The noise of the vacuum allowed the two old men to sneak upon him. Coomer released Kyle, causing the manlet to fall onto the ground. 

“We’re here to get revenge on you--for crimes against humanity!” Bubby said, leaning down in front of Kyle, frowning.

“Bubby--” Dr. Coomer started.

“What? It’s against my humanity as a human person” Bubby said, waving his hand. He was a human person after all.

“We are here to fight you. I am going to revenge my Bubby’s crimes you caused!” Coomer said, punching into the air as Kyle got up. 

“I’ll bite. How do you want to do this? Boxing? Wrestling?” Kyle asked.

“Wrestling,” Coomer said, body slamming Kyle to the ground. There was no way Kyle could have defeated Coomer--the scientist had Cybernetic power legs and was a part of the underground wrestling club after all! But Kyle wasn’t Kyle anymore--he had powers! So, Kyle was able to shove Coomer off of him and pin him to the ground. 

“Wow! I am impressed, my dear friend Kyle!” Coomer said, looking up at Kyle. “No one has done that in the history of ever! To be frank, I’m a little scared! And turned on!” 

“What?” Kyle said. “You’re horny? So, you don’t want to fight me anymore? You want to fuck?” 

“Why are you asking questions you already know the answer to?” Coomer said, sitting up. “Yes to all of those!”

“Uh well, uh” Kyle looked at Bubby. 

“I’m just gonna, uh, fucking sit and watch. Idiots. I don’t wanna get sweat on my turtleneck.” Bubby said, crossing his arms from the couch. Bubby cracked a smile “Besides, fucking is just like wrestling but with mental manipulation too! And I love watching WWE!” 

Kyle sighed in relief. He didn’t want to fuck Bubby because Bubby looked like a hairless cat. Since he was grown in a lab to be the perfect human, he probably had no genitals down there, just smooth.

Kyle didn’t want to think about that and instead let Coomer put his cybernetic dongle in his butt like a Chromebook. They fucked. Kyle moaned as Coomer deeply buried himself into him, coming. Kyle promptly died from the force of the cybernetic dick shot out the cum. 

Kyle woke up, gasping. 

“Morning bitch” a voice said. He turned and saw Tommy sitting on a chair near the bedside, sipping a soda. There was a pile of crushed cans around him. 

“Where am I?” Kyle asked, fumbling with the red sheets. This was not his bed--his bed has blue sheets. Tommy finished the can and crushed it on his head. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looks like he wrote a 7-page essay 20 minutes before class. 

“‘ve been waiting all night. Didn’t expect it to take this long” Tommy said, getting up from the chair and stretching, cracking his back. “Can’t stay up as long as I used to anymore. But anyways, you died. I kinda expected that you would when Coomer and Bubby said they’d be heading over there.”

“If I died, how am I still alive?” Kyle said, patting down his body to determine that he wasn’t a ghost or something. 

“You respawned. You wake up in the last bed you slept in which happened to be mine.” Tommy said, deadpanned. 

“Last time I slept with you was like 3 months ago. How’s that possible?”

“What? The sleeping with me? Kinda obvious, doncha think?” Tommy said, inspecting a soda can. 

“No, the waking up here! I haven’t slept here! The bed we slept in isn’t even existing anymore; G-man said your house got bulldozed over!”

“Huh, odd. Maybe it’s not the bed that counts but the person you fucked along the way. In it I mean.”    
  


Kyle blinked. He had fucked Coomer though so it wasn’t likely that happened. Tommy, in his infinite Wikipedia knowledge, seemed to realize his hypothesis was wrong.   
  


“Anything weird happen in the last bed you slept in?” 

“No…But your dad sent a fucking monster after me,” Kyle said, pulling the red sheets closer to him as he tried not to remember the horror he saw. Though, he remembered something slightly. Kyle pushed the red bed sheets away from him. “My bedsheets are blue but in my dream my bed had red sheets!”

“So, you did sleep here then. Big Whoop. Mystery solved” Tommy snapped, still passively-aggressively avoiding eye contact. 

“Hey, why are you acting so mean towards me?” Kyle snapped back, getting out of the bed and approaching Tommy who had inched himself halfway to the exit. 

“You--well--first off! First off, you gave me fucking Alien STDs! Do you know what could have happened if I didn’t find out? I wouldn’t have been able to get the $46.35 cure! That’s just, just. No, not just. It’s very inconsiderate! You said you were clean! Also, even worse than that, you just upped and left! You broke our fucking- our fucking trust fund through that!” 

Kyle’s slight annoyance faded. 

“Oh shit. I’m really sorry Tommy. I should have told you I didn’t get checked after having sex with Gordon. I didn’t even realize I had an Alien STD until after we fucked. I should have stayed and not stolen your limited edition animal crossing printed Nintendo switch. I am tonight’s biggest loser” Kyle said as Tommy looked away. 

“Hmph,” Tommy said, not saying anything.

“Hey, I do have something to give you though,” Kyle said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out Tommy’s limited edition animal crossing printed Nintendo switch. Tommy’s face lightened up a bit in surprise. 

“You- you brought it?” Tommy said, accepting the stolen object back into his hands. “Why are you carrying it now though?”

“I missed you, Tommy, and so I carried it everywhere because it reminded me of you and how much I missed you which made me carry it around which then reminded me of you and then it made me carry it around more even more,” Kyle said, cooly, intertwining his hands with Tommy’s. Tommy finally looked up at Kyle, tears in his eyes. 

“I know I messed up and gave you Alien STDs. I know I broke our trust fund through my actions. But I will do anything to fix it with you.”

“But, our investments are basically gone!” Tommy said, starting to sob “How can we  financially emotionally recover from this!?”

“Tommy, I invested in you,” Kyle said, causing Tommy to look at him in surprise. “I invested in you of all people the most because you are the best” 

“Invested, invested in me? Wait that means-” Tommy said before cutting himself off and hugging Kyle.

“Our relationship is saved! And our trust fund can be fixed!” Kyle cried, picking up Tommy and spinning him around. In order to form a relationship, you must invest in the other person which creates a trust fund. However, once you break that trust fund, it may completely void your investment in the other person. But that isn’t to say the trust fund is completely destroyed because based on the investment, you can repair that trust fund overtime with compact interest. 

The two toppled over onto the bed and laughed. 

“So,” Kyle said, turning to his side and propping himself up on his elbow “Are we friends again?”

“What? No! You gotta prove it to me” Tommy said, leaning off the bed to pull an object out from under it. He placed it in Kyle’s hand. 

“A Beyblade?” Kyle asked. Tommy nodded.

Oh shit. Kyle had to battle Tommy in Beyblades to prove his friendship. 

Tommy pulled out his Hasbro-Branded-Certified-Termination-Torminent Beyblade battle ground bowl and the two let it rippppppppp. They watched as the two tops spun around and around, hitting up against each other. Despite doing little to nothing, they cheered their respective Beyblades on.

But then Kyle realized he wasn’t going to win and the trust fund friendship would be forever broken! He had to distract Tommy somehow. Therefore, he distracted him in the best way he could. 

Kyle kissed Tommy and pushed him down onto the bed. 

“If you think fucking me is going to distract me from this Beyblade battle, you’re right,” Tommy said, kissing back. Kyle dicked Tommy good and hard. Tommy’s soft moans echoed through the room as his scientific mind was fucked out of existence temporarily, like a Beyblade. He wasn’t topping anymore and now instead being railed out of his mind. 

“Cum inside of me!” Tommy whimpered, getting close himself. “Because where else is the cum supposed to go!!”

It was clear his common sense mind was fucked out of existence too. Kyle came and no-clipped through Tommy and the bed. Tommy sat up in surprise. 

“H-holy shit” Tommy whispered in surprise, staring at the space where Kyle was above him and feeling the emptiness inside of him. “I fucked him out of existence?!” 

Tommy heard laughter coming from the wall and Kyle then phased through the wall, landing on the bed. “You can’t get rid of me that easily”

“Holy shit Kyle, you scared me,” Tommy said, his breathing beginning to slow. He let out a small chuckle.

“We- we should-- let’s probably clean this up,” Tommy said, gesturing to the mess on his stomach as he shakily got up. Before he fully got up though, he let out a moan and collapsed back onto the bed, panting. 

“Don’t push yourself too hard, Tommy. I’ll get it” Kyle said, getting up.

“Wait,” Tommy said, putting his hand on Kyle’s thigh to keep him there. Kyle looked over at Tommy, curious “You- you aren’t gonna leave are you?” 

“What-? Of course not!” Kyle said, surprised. He reached over and cupped Tommy’s face in one of his hands. “Why would you say that?”

“Hmhn” Tommy mumbled, placing his hand over Kyle’s and burying his face further into it. “Just checking” 

Kyle gave a small smile and stumbled over to the kitchen to find some paper towels, no clipping into some objects as he passed through them. Meanwhile, Tommy lazily slumped over and bundled the covers into his arms, hugging it. He inhaled, smelling the blueberry raspberry smell mixed with the scent of Kyle’s cologne. Tommy was really pissed not only over the fact that Kyle stole his shit but also because Kyle just upped and left after that. It was taking a bit longer than Tommy hoped; He hoped that Kyle wouldn’t do the same thing again since he gave him a second chance. 

Kyle then returned with a couple of napkins in one hand, clean boxers, a warm mug of coffee in the other hand, and a box nudged underneath his arm. Tommy smiled, taking a sip off the coffee--completely black with some crunchy coffee grounds left in it--before cleaning himself off.    
  


“Thought we could play the switch,” Kyle said, showing Tommy the box he had nudged by his side.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way” Tommy said, leaning against Kyle's chest as he pulled the blanket over them. Kyle felt his breath hitch and Tommy took note of it, uncomfortable pulling away, draping the blanket over his shoulders now only. 

“W- was that too much?” Tommy asked, confused, and a bit concerned. 

“No, it’s just--” Kyle started, sighing into his hands. It was hard to say the question he asked; Afterall, he feared the answer “Do you forgive me? For basically, fucking you over and leaving? And giving you curable alien STDs?” 

Tommy was a bit taken aback by the question and Kyle feared the worse until Tommy playfully hit Kyle’s shoulder.

“‘Corse I do, bitch” Tommy murmured, looking up at Kyle. “I forgive you” 

After the action-packed day, Kyle went home to sleep. However, he found himself waking up at the odd hour quite late into the night, the monstrous pressure on his chest present. In the light of the alarm clock, he caught the same features the prior monster he had on his chest was. Why the fuck was g-man still haunting him? Tommy had forgiven him so there was no reason. 

Then something occurred surprising Kyle. A spotlight from above him flickered on and the creature on his chest moved, stepping into the light. 

And there was Sunkist. 

“Sunkist? What are you doing here? Did you get rid of my sleep paralysis demon?” Kyle asked. The dog smiled at him in response.

“I am the sleep paralysis demon,” Sunkist said, leaning closer to Kyle’s face.

“Why did G-man send you?” Kyle asked. Sunkist looked at Kyle in confusion.

“I came here on my own will, this time and the time before,” Sunkist said, growling slightly. “I am here now to tell you that Tommy may have forgiven you, but I do not forgive so easily...if you ever hurt or upset Tommy ever again, I will kill you” 

Kyle gulped, his palms were sweaty. He wanted so badly to move away but instead, he lay still, frozen and paralyzed. 

“Or at the very least, make you go insane,” Sunkist said, her human teeth shining harshly in the spotlight lighting. The dog leaped off him and into the darkness and then Kyle was left to sleep. 

Tommy was in a much better mood. Well, he was always in a good mood but this time it was more. He seemed to radiate happiness and sunshine at the brunch table. Both Benrey and Gordon noted this. 

“Looks like someone had a good night,” Benrey said, before biting into a piece of toast. “What’d happened?” 

“Uh,” Tommy started, looking down towards his orange juice sheepishly “I made up with Kyle last night” 

Gordon sipped on his morning coffee, amused. After glancing at Benrey and nodding, he shot Tommy a sly grin causing the older man to blush, confirming his suspicions. 

“How was it?” Gordon asked.

“Well, uh, so basically-” Tommy said, stumbling on his words as he traced his finger in a circle on the table. “So, like, this time I wasn’t top and Kyle did this--”

“Aw man, don’t get graphic in front of my eggs n bacon,” Benrey said, cutting Tommy off. Benrey blushed a bit and coughed out a bit of sweet voice. Tommy was seldom the bottom and just imagining him as such turned Benrey on a bit. Tommy let out a little chuckle after reading the sweet voice and rested his head on his hand, staring at Benrey with half-lidded eyes. 

“You didn’t--You want me to continue, huh?” Tommy said, voice low, causing Benrey to become even more flustered. Tommy then sat up and flashed Gordon a grin, exclaiming “I haven’t fucked this much since my frat days in college” 

“Bro, you’re gay-ting me, Gordon and Darnold. And you also fucked my ex once” Benrey said

“Which ex was that?” Tommy asked

“Uh, Forzen…” Berney said, “He’s like, the only ex I have?”

“Oh…” Tommy said, falling into silence. “That’s, okay, that’s way less fucking than I did in my college days actually” 

“Haha, nice” Benrey said as Gordon almost choked on his coffee. 

“Tommy??” Gordon said, coughing slightly in surprise. He knew he fucked but not that much. Tommy had a small smile on his slightly flushed face. 

“Anyways, let's get back to breakfast,” Tommy said, picking up a burger. 

Meanwhile, Kyle went to Darnold’s house. 

“Hey, Kyle…” Darnold said, not looking up from his potions in his kitchen. He was focused on his work, his tongue poking out slightly as he poured the liquid from one container to another.

“Wha- wait how did you know it was me?” Kyle asked, prompting the other man to look up and push up his orange goggles. 

“Lucky guess,” Darnold said, shrugging. He held up a test tube full of pink liquid “But...that’s beside the point! I just perfected my potion of love in my lab!”

“What lab? This is a kitchen” Kyle said, taking the potion into his hands after Darnold poured it into a shot glass. 

“You are very wrong!” Darnold said, nodding as Kyle chugged the potion down. “It’s a lab because baking is a science and with science it must be a lab”

“Hey, what was in the potion this time?” Kyle asked, setting the shot glass down and looking towards Darnold in confusion. Kyle had no idea what Darnold put in his potions for the taste was altered significantly like those fruity alcoholic beverages which didn’t taste of alcohol at all. Darnold got a job working as a bartender, claiming that it was a great place to find test subjects for his potions.

“Vodka!” Darnold said, grinning. 

“Why’s it pink?”

“I put Pepto Bismol too. For the...uh… flavor...and not just the color”

“If there are only two ingredients, why are there so many tubes?” Kyle asked, looking at the table. There were bunsen burners, utility clamps, iron rings with a ring stand, evaporation dish, mortar and pestle, crucible and cover, beakers, Erlenmeyer flasks, watch glass, assorted rubber stoppers, corks, lab burners, test tube holders, micro pipets (standard and narrow stem), wash bottle, graduated cylinder, buret, thermometer, pipet, 24-well plate, spatula, scoopula, funnel, dropper, forceps, wire-brush, test-tube racket and lastly, test tubes all on the table. It looks like everything that would appear in a high school chemistry memorization worksheet was on the table. 

“Necessary for aesthetics,” Darnold said, pushing the materials aside to jump over the table. He started to push Kyle towards the exit. “Looks like the experiment wasn’t a success so you must leave or… or I’ll have to kill you” 

“Wait! I think I can help with that- make the potion work, I mean” Kyle said, turning to grip Darnold’s shoulders. “Potion of love, right?”

“Really? Uh, okay then. You aren’t too drunk, are you? To consent?”

“Darnold, I walked in here with the intent of fucking you silly. I can’t drive but I can fuck”

“Damn, okay. Let’s get to fuckin’” Darnold said, grinning as he kissed Kyle. 

They kissed, making out and they made out, kissing. 

“Are you ready?” Kyle asked, panting, as Darnold got down to his knees. 

“Hold on, I needa-” Darnold said, readjusting his orange goggles over his face. Kyle looked at him in surprise. “The goggles stay on during the sex. Now prepare to get sucked dry!” 

Darnold took Kyle’s dick into his hand and licked the tip of it, causing Kyle to shiver. Then Darnold took the length into his mouth, sucking Kyle’s dick with an efficiency of a heat engine. 

“Damn, Darnold, you know how to suck well,” Kyle said, hands tugging at Darnold’s hair. Darnold popped his mouth off of Kyle’s dick and looked up grinning. 

“I’ve had a lot of practice with the Black Mesa Silly Straw. Also, being in the mixology department, you get a couple of perks...needless to say, I learned a lot. That’s why I’m an expert.” Darnold said, before resuming his sucking. 

“Darnold, I’m gonna cum” Kyle said. 

“It’s imperative that you cum on my face!” Darnold said, after pulling his lips from Kyle’s dick and jerking Kyle to a finish. Kyle shot a fat cumload onto Darnold’s face. 

“Good thing you had goggles on so that the cum didn’t get into your eyes because of the goggles” Kyle complimented. He sat back at Darnold clean himself up carefully not wanting to waste any cum. Afterward, he gave Darnold a high-five because he did a good job.

Kyle looked around and picked up a Gameclam 2, intending to play some games before a little notification popped up in the corner of his view. 

“Ah, what the fuck?” Kyle asked. Darnold looked at him confused. “There’s a little notification in the corner of my vision!” 

“Oh, that?” Darnold asked, joining Kyle on the couch to explain. “That’s an achievement, you get it when you complete things in your real life.”

Kyle sat back and got another achievement. 

“Look!” Darnold said excitedly pointing to achievement. “This one means you learned!”

Just then, a third achievement popped up.

“End of chapter 2?” Kyle read aloud, confused. “What’s that one mean-” 

Before he could finish speaking, Kyle went out of existence, taking Darnold’s Gameclam 2 with him. Darnold was left alone in the living room.

“Did. Did I just get robbed?” Darnold asked, confused. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you catch the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy reference I love you


	3. CH3 “its literally 2 am im going off the rails. im going off the shits”

Kyle blinked and suddenly, he was in a new place. With the prior knowledge Darnold told him about, he realized that he didn’t just forget or anything, he SPAWNED into the next chapter, or next scene or whatever. He was now aware. 

Kyle was at college because he was a college man. He was walking on the campus, now painfully aware of this entire situation and universe. Then suddenly, he saw his long time rival--Joshua, better known as Gordon’s son. 

“Hey, is that you Kyle?? What the fuck happened to you, bro?” Joshua said, staring at Kyle. Kyle had new purple skin due to his alien std so it made sense that Joshua would not recognize him as well. 

“Your dad gave me Alien STDs :(“ Kyle responded, prompting Joshua to frown. Instantly, Joshua’s mind flashed back to when their legendary rivalry started. 

They were at the pencil sharpener. Not one of those new electric ones but rather one of the old hand-cranking ones where you go to talk shit and gossip while you present to sharpen your pencil for 10 minutes during the lecture. That’s where this all started. 

Joshua didn’t know Kyle that well but he was aware he existed. It was a small town after all. He didn’t have a problem with him until Kyle asked him, at the pencil sharpening station, what type of jacket he should get and Joshua uncovered the fact that Kyle was fucking his dad. It was like this video:  [ https://www.instagram.com/p/CCud4l2BBv3/?igshid=bfuik7m7gq5u ](https://www.instagram.com/p/CCud4l2BBv3/?igshid=bfuik7m7gq5u) . Also, Joshua is 19 and going to community college. Joshua didn’t know that his dad had fucked up alien STDs though. 

“Hm, anyway, I’m gonna get to class. Sorry to hear that you have STDs now” Joshua said, walking away. Kyle sighed, making it to his classes.

After class, Kyle got a text from Tommy asking for Kyle to pick up some dog food for Sunkist. Kyle shivered in fear as he walked at the mention of Sunkist's name since it was now revealed that Sunkist was a sleep paralysis demon of unforeseen power in addition to being just a dog. 

Also, Kyle was walking, tearing a piece of paper to at least keep some semblance of sanity. He didn’t want to respawn or teleport to a new place again. If he didn’t then maybe he could ignore the fact that he was in a story game--not even a good one at that.

Kyle arrived at the doggie daycare center which was practically empty except for the comfortably furnished and open lobby room. Kyle stood around for a bit before ringing the service bell. 

“Kyle..what are you...doing here?” A familiar voice said, causing Kyle to jump out of his skin. Oh fuck, he must have been teleported to the void again.

“What the fuck do you mean? Why are you here!!?” Kyle yelled, pointing at G-man accusingly. 

“...Please...keep it...down…” G-man said, adjusting his cat ears and a pink apron. “You are...disturbing the animals...and I would...hate to...see you..wake them”

“Okay,” Kyle said, looking towards G-man for an explanation.

“So...what brings you...here...Kyle?”

“Gotta get some dog food for Tommy” 

“Oh…” Gman said, a bit disappointed. One of the reasons Gman volunteered at the doggy daycare was to see Tommy whenever he came to get food for Sunkist.

“So, your turn. Why are you here?” 

“I work...to volunteer..here. Why do you think I had so many leashes?” 

“Don’t you work for the government or something though?? Why do you need a second job?”

“Yes. I didn't say I worked here I said I volunteered here” 

“Oh,” Kyle said, imagining G-man traumatizing all the animals by this threatening aura. 

“I also enjoy seeing...my son, Thomathan, when he comes to pick up dog-food or volunteer,” G-man said. The two stood there for a moment until G-man spoke up again. “The food...is in...the backrooms, but you’ll need...to pick...it up.”

Kyle followed G-man in the backrooms, yellow walls illuminated by a singular flickering lightbulb. The dogs in the shelter ran up to the bars of their cages and barked--in excitement. The birds flocked to G-man’s shoulder to perch on him and after attempting (in vain) to shake them off, G-man sighed and spawned in some bird seeds in his hands. Surprisingly, G-man was rather good with animals, just like Tommy was. Like father, like son. 

G-man led them to a pile of boxes that G-man began to look through. G-man sighed and looked at Kyle in disappointment. 

“It seems….we’re out of….dog food...dear” G-man said, petting the crow perched on his shoulder. “But….you can….order it...from the moon base...and...it’ll arrive...very...soon…” 

“Okay?” Kyle said. G-man gestured to the landline phone on the wall. Kyle walked over there, looking at the scraps of paper pinned to the bulletin board beside the phone until he spotted one saying “moon base”. He gave it the number a call, twiddling the soda keychain Tommy gave him between his fingers. It was comforting. 

As expected when you call customer service, Kyle got put on hold. 

“Helloooo…” A familiar monotone voice drawled over the phone. “Welcome to the customer service waiting call, I’m your customer service waiting call DJ-” 

“Benrey?” Kyle asked, cutting the voice off.

“Yeah, that’s my name,” Benrey said. Some papers were heard shuffling. “Uhhhh, Kyle right? Welcome to the customer service waiting call, what songs do you want me to DJ-”

“What are you doing on the call? Why aren’t you playing video games?” 

“I got a job here. I don’t play games all day anymore.”

“Benrey, can you quit playing this game and wire me to the moon base so I can get the dog food for Tommy?” Kyle asked, rather annoyed. 

“Huh? A game?” Benrey asked, a bit confused. “This isn’t a game, dude! It’s my job!” 

“How can’t this be a game? This isn’t real life, we’re in a game!” Kyle asked, getting a bit frantic. Benrey broke his customer service persona.

“Dude, Kyle, are you alright? Like, look, I’ll wire through a special request, uh, you need Tommy’s dog food, right? I’ll have it emailed to him asap but uh, dude, take a chill moment.” Benrey said, clearly worried for the guy that stole his ps5. 

Kyle let out a small noise of affirmation and heard Benerey click the call off. He walked out of the backrooms and started walking with no clear destination. 

He was really sad. Well, not quite sad as he wasn’t bawling his eyes out. However, I guess it felt more like a melancholy feeling? Like a deep aching feeling that made you feel terrible from the inside of your hollow self. Realizing that you are in a game and that everything you know, everyone you love isn’t real is scary, to say the least. 

Kyle often glanced at the lower-left corner of his vision, waiting and watching for notifications. When did he even get the notifications? He racked his brain, wondering what caused the notifications to appear. The first notification appeared when he picked up Darnold’s Gameclam 2. Is that why he stole all the game counsels of the others? It seemed to be a pattern in these last few days: fuck and steal. 

Once Kyle snapped out of his thoughts, he looked around, taking note of his surroundings. There were pillars of lava flowing down from high up cliffs of crimson-colored stone and pooling to the ground below. It appeared he was in the nether. He glanced downhill and spotted the sign to the Waffle House. 

Kyle hadn’t been to Waffle House since he was a teen but then again, Waffle House only appeared when you needed it the most. 

Kyle entered the Waffle House and headed directly to the bar.

“Hey Kyle, what can I get ya?” Darnold said, grinning. Darnold worked at the Waffle House bar made some sense since he did work in the mixology department and what other job had more mixing than bars?

“Uhhh, anything really,” Kyle said, sitting down. Darnold mixed up a pina colada and slid it over. 

“So, what’s up?” 

“What do you mean what’s up?”

“You’re at the Waffle House. The Waffle House only appears to those who need help.” 

Damn, he’d been caught. 

“I can see that you don’t really wanna talk about it though. Wanna help me with something?” Darnold asked. 

“Sure, what is it?” Kyle asked, relieved that he would have a distraction from the existential crisis he was having. 

“We gotta find the milk of magnesium for my newest potion! Here, put this on!” Darnold said, holding out a bee keeper’s hat. Kyle didn’t question it and followed Darnold down a trapdoor hatch like the one in that pub in the 2010 Disney film “Tangled”. 

They went down a dark, spooky tunnel which I will not elaborate on. But the tunnel was full of cobwebs and skeletons and most scary of all, straws. RIP the turtles. Also, the tunnel was very long and the only thing lighting the tunnel was those cheap fairy lights. At the end, Darnold and Kyle emerged in a forest with a small shack in the center. 

“Welcome! To my flavor storage!” Darnold said, proudly. Around the shack were lines of potions and cans of soda. “We need to get some supplies before we find the milk of magnesium!”

“What’s all of these?” Kyle asked, pointing to the row of yellow soda cans with only the word “soda” written on it besides the row of tomato sauce. 

“It’s the milk flavoured soda!” Darnold said, happy that he was able to complete the impossible task of carbonating milk. “Or, uh, is this the cum flavoured one?”

Before Kyle could respond, Darnold cracked open the can and took a sip. Kyle watched in fear as Darnold smacked his lips together, savoring the taste. 

“Yep…Definitely the cum.” Darnold said, nonchalantly. 

“Darnold...why do you have cum-flavoured soda?”

“Gotta do every flavour in the periodic table,” Darnold said, looking off into the distance in a dramatic way. “But I think we have enough supplies! Let’s go find some milk of magnesium.”

The two traveled off deeper into the forest to hunt down the magnesium. 

“Hey, have you ever been in here, Darnold?” Kyle asked as they passed by the same fern for the 5th time.

“Nope! But I think we should head up further towards this hill.”

“Is, is this place haunted at all?” Kyle asked, seeing the plants move ominously. 

“I don’t think so-” Darnold started before getting cut off because the hillside collapsed. Darnold and Kyle fell down the slope where the land used to be. 

“Holy shit!! SHIT!” Kyle yelled as he slid down. Darnold managed to stop himself midway from his demise by grabbing onto a tree branch root but Kyle continued down the side of the cliff. He managed to stop himself but he was quickly slipping from the ledge. 

“Darnold, help!” Kyle said, still having self-preservation in him despite knowing it's not real. Darnold looked at the situation and sighed. 

“Okay, hold on, I’m coming,” Darnold said as he slid down. He reached Kyle and placed his hands over his. “Hey” 

“Hi,” Kyle said, breathlessly as he was still clinging on for his life. 

“It’s a bit weird this happened when you mentioned it might be haunted,” Darnold said. The mountain shook slightly. Kyle lost his grip and would have slid down to his demise but Darnold grabbed his shirt to prevent him from falling. 

“I think you should let go, Kyle,” Darnold said. “I can’t pull you up because then both of us would slide down.”

“What? Are you crazy?” 

“No, I’m the more mentally stable one in this situation. Just trust me. Let go.” 

“Why would I do that? I’m gonna fall to my death! I don’t wanna fucking die!” 

“It’d be like that one episode of My Little Pony! This situation directly parallels it!” 

“Yeah but that isn’t real-” Kyle started before stopping. This wasn’t real either. He looked up to Darnold and took in a deep yet shaky breath. “O-okay. I’ll let go.” 

“Good!” Darnold said, still gripping onto Kyle’s shirt. “Say hi to Ronald for me when you get to hell.” 

“Wait what-” Kyle asked as he slid out of his shirt and into the rapid waters below. He promptly and painlessly died. Darnold stood up with Kyle’s shirt still in his hands and looked at it. It was a plain black shirt with the word “gay”. 

“Groovy,” Darnold said. He peaked over the edge and looked to see if Kyle was caught by something and shrugged. Kyle spawned next to him 2 minutes later but with another copy of his shirt.

“See? I knew you’d come back!” Darnold said with a smile. No, he didn’t. And he didn’t know Kyle would spawn back with another shirt either. 

“I- okay. Ronald Regan said hi back? Not sure what you wanted me to achieve there.” Kyle said, sitting down next to Darnold.

“Oh no!” Darnold said frantically. Kyle looked at him with concern. “Not Regan, the 40th president of the United State of A*erica! I meant the clown!” 

“Oh,” Kyle said. Darnold shook his head slightly and then stood up, his hand extended to help Kyle up. 

“That was a close call but we should get going!” Darnold said. He helped Kyle up and they interlocked fingers. They continued walking on and eventually came to a clearing. 

“Hey, did you hear that?” Kyle asked as he heard something. 

“Huh?” Darnold asked before gasping slightly and dragging Kyle behind a tree. 

“Hey, dude what the fuck?” Kyle asked.

“Shhhh! Look!” Darnold said, pointing towards the rocks. Kyle peeked over.

“A cow?” Kyle asked, seeing the familiar black and white pattern. 

“No, it’s the milk of magnesium source! It’s not that dangerous but though the chances of getting killed by a cow are slim, it’s not zero.” Darnold said. “But at least we took our gummy vitamins today! A natural defense!” 

Kyle blinked. Fuck, he forgot to take his daily gummy vitamins today! 

“I didn’t take my gummy vitamins today. I forgot.” Kyle said.

“Oh. Kyle, you gotta remember to take your meds. It’s important to take care of yourself even if you are amidst a mental breakdown. Also, remember to drink water!” Darnold said, patting Kyle’s shoulder. Kyle gave a small smile. “Now it’s time to get the milk of magnesium!” 

Darnold ran towards the cow and flung Kyle’s extra shirt over its eyes. He tried to tilt the cow over but failed. The cow flung him onto the ground and Darnold looked towards Kyle for help. 

Kyle went over to help but the cow sensed that he forgot to take his gummy vitamins that day and charged towards him. Kyle did a barrel roll out of the way but the cow turned back and charged at him. Kyle didn’t have a plan after. Kyle held his hands out in front of him in a poor attempt to stop the cow from charging at him. 

He would have died but the cow phased through his arms and froze. Kyle peeked open his eyes and looked at the cow graphic, now frozen. His hands passed through the cow effortlessly and he stepped back in dread. The cow disintegrated into the sky and Kyle looked up towards the blue pixel flickers floating into the sky. 

“Congratulations Kyle! I don’t know how you did, but you did it!” Darnold said cheerfully. He picked up the milk of magnesium the cow dropped and put it into his lab coat. “Not sure why it died- oh.” 

Darnold stopped when he glanced at Kyle. Kyle wasn’t even saying anything, just standing there in awe and fear. 

“...Kyle?” Darnold asked, stepped forwards. Kyle shook his head and crouched down to scrunch up into a ball. He buried his head into his hands as if the thoughts in his head were too loud.

“It’s- I’m not even real. I, I think I’m a mistake. Nothing makes sense at all. None of it- it at all!” Kyle said, voice deathly neutral. Darnold let out a small hum, acknowledging what he said. 

“I’m a joke,” Kyle said, his voice cracking at the last word. Darnold crouched down to his level. 

“Would you like a hug?” Darnold asked. Kyle nodded, his face scrunched up into a frown trying to hold back the tears. He collapsed forwards into Darnold’s arms and pulled him close. 

Kyle wasn’t sure why the cow was the trigger to realize he was just a joke. He probably should have realized it during the time he respawned after falling off the cliff but he wasn’t expecting to die. If this was real and not some fucked up joke, he would have died then and there. 

Darnold gently shushed Kyle as he cried, holding him close and holding him together. 

“I’m not even real” Kyle mumbled. He looked up at Darnold and sighed. “You guys aren’t either but… I think you’re real in the hearts of others. Like, so many people know you from your original series and I’m just some shitpost spin-off. Only a joke.”

“Kyle, we’re all jokes. I came from a joke roleplay youtube series based on the Valve game “Half-Life” which happened to blow up. There’s nothing wrong with being a joke as long as it’s not derogatory. Jokes are funny and you provide a light of enjoyment for others simply by existing and being yourself.” 

“Still, everyone knows you more than they ever would me.” 

“Not everypony, Kyle. It’s impossible to be in the minds of everypony at least once. Look at the explicit content warning on this!” 

“You know, in this story, I can go even more off the shits without any repercussions. What do I even do if nothing matters? Why even keep myself safe when I don’t exist?”

“You do exist. You exist on the pages of this book and in the minds of others. You’re real to me and you’re real as much as you make it. Despite how plot device-y your feelings may be, you’re still experiencing them and that makes them real and by extension, makes you real.”

They remained silent for a moment, the only sound being Kyle’s soft sniffles. 

“What now?” Kyle asked.

“What do you want to do?” Darnold replied, answering his question with another question. 

“I’m not sure...Maybe apologize. To everyone.” 

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry for stealing your Gameclam, man.”

“Apology accepted.”

“Thank you,” Kyle said. He paused for a moment. “Hey, Darnold?”

“Hm?”

“I wanna go home.” 

“Okay. We can go home.” Darnold said, moving to get up. The two made their way back to the waffle house and Darnold made a glass of warm honey-cinnamon milk for Kyle. As Kyle sipped the warm drink, he looked around through tired yet happy eyes. 

Maybe the waffle house was a waffle home…


	4. CH4: “I’m sweaty but it’s not from horniness; it’s from pure rage”

The next day, Kyle was at the local Benny’s. He had texted everyone he stole from and waited for them to come. He had all their video game consoles with him to return since he felt bad for taking them. Even if nothing was real, there wasn’t any reason to keep them since losing the console must be saddening. Plus, he wanted to explain the whole situation to everyone. 

Everyone Kyle kyled (fucked and stole from) arrived and sat patiently at the table, waiting for Kyle to give his explanation. 

Kyle stood up in front of the group like this:

And began his explanation. 

I’m not gonna recount it because it was bat-shit crazy and I’m not even sure some of those words were real?? Moon isn’t real though and that's a fact.

Everyone looked at Kyle in confusion. Bubby let out a scoff. 

“Isn’t anyone gonna say anything?” Bubby asked, as he carefully filled the boxes to Tommy’s waffle up to the brim with maple syrup. Tommy frowned in disapproval because Bubby was filling up his waffles squares with maple syrup again which made it impossible to eat.

“Well, no...I didn’t understand it.” Gordon said. The others nodded along with him. “Did you hit your head or something?” 

“No, you sluts!! He’s apologizing!” Bubby said, now dumping the entire bottle of maple syrup on Tommy’s plate. Bubby set the empty bottle down on the table and sat back. “Pick up on the goddamn social queues, dipshits.”

Everyone remained quiet; the only sound in the room was the slurp of Benrey drinking the syrup off of Tommy’s plate with a straw. 

“Anyways, the burger,” Benrey said to interrupt the silence. 

“So, what now?” Gordon asked. “We’re in a video game or like some kinda shitpost story, now what?” 

“Well, if you had been listening to my explanation earlier,” Kyle began. “If you fuck enough people you can escape the game along with those you fucked. That’s the purpose of Xbox achievements. Now, who’s with me?” 

Benrey started to cheer like one would in typical high school movies but he stopped when he realized that no one did that in fake real life either even if it was a story. The team assembled and they went to the final door which was right next to the gumball/bouncy ball machine. Tommy used his cool powers he got from his dad to open the door and the team stepped into the void. 

After a bright shine of light, they were present in the void. They went to the void because the void is the transportation place.

“Do we still have everyone? Oh, hi Adrian, how’s quarantine?” Kyle said, looking around. Adrian gave a sad nod from his void-space prison cell. He then heard a pitiful whine and turned around to see Tommy with his head in his hands and crouched down. “Holy shit, you good, Tommy?”

“N-no! I- it’s” Tommy said, hyperventilating as he lay on the space-void floor. “It’s the void music- it’s the 2003 song by Tom Jones entitled “What’s New Pussycat” that’s playing!”   
  
“So? I think it’s- uh- it’s pretty rad,” Benry said, playing on Tommy’s limited edition animal crossing printed Nintendo switch.

“Benry- you- can’t- you don’t understand! Interdimensional creatures can’t listen to this song unless they're in their own void. It’s- it’s sorta like a neurotoxin through the ears except the poison is admin- administered through the phat beats!” Tommy said, whimpering. 

“Why isn’t Benry being affected then?” Gordon asked. Benry shrugged. It was because he had his earbuds in under his helmet. 

“I believe that man is going to die, everyone!” Dr. Coomer stated. 

“Oh, that’s unfortunate. What do you want for your funeral party, Dr. Tommy?” Darnold asked. 

“My- my brain hurts. Like a Beyblade.” Tommy said, speaking up. “I- I think a Beyblade would be cool for my funeral party. Thank- thanks, Darnold.”

“What- what do we do? So, you don’t die!” Kyle asked, crouching down to hold Tommy’s hand. “I’ll do anything to help you, Tommy.”

“I’m not sure- uh- ohh- maybe try bloodletting?” Tommy suggested. Wikipedia said that worked for George Washington, the 1st president of the United States of Am*rica so it made sense.

“Are you dying from listening to “What’s New Pussycat, son?” Gman asked from the speaker system.

“Shut the FUCK up Mr. Coolatta,” Kyle said, unhelpfully. He turned back to Tommy. “Anything else?”

“I really want- I want to fuck an alien thing, really badly. Like, got an urge to. As the Valve company intended,” Tommy said. He’d probably die if he didn’t right now. But either way, the game was supposed to kill you when that happened.

“Okay, groovy, you do that, friendo,” Kyle said, moving to help Tommy up towards the door titled “alien fuck room”. 

“So- sorry that I can’t help with the final battle. To the- I’ll come back for the final fight though at the moment you most need me.” Tommy said, waving goodbye. The science team left him behind and stepped through the exit door. 

“Wow, the outside looks pretty rad,” Benrey said, looking around the empty movie theater. 

“I’m like 100% sure this isn’t the outside, Benry,” Gordon said, looking around to the outside. 

“No one can be too 100%!” Dr. Coomer said, smiling.   
  
“That’s 100% fact there,” Bubby said. Coomer gave him a playful punch but that sent Bubby flying into a wall because his bones were thin-ass like birds. Fucker could probably fly if he wanted to. Sorry the Wright brothers, Bubby’s now the first human to fly. I didn’t need any of your stupid wooden plane public domain files but you need to download it for $50 anyways. 

Kyle walked outside the theater with a smile on his face and looked around. The smile quickly fell off when he realized that beyond the theater parking lot, there was nothing there at all other than the empty skybox. 

“What the fu-” Kyle started before he got run over by a car. 

“Holy shit fuck!” Gordon said as he ran over to help Kyle up. Kyle heard Bubby laughing from the distance.

“Bubby, you asshole! Did you run me o-” Kyle started before the car drifted beside him. Gordon scrambled back and the door swung open to reveal…..

…..Kyle?!

“There can only be one, fucker!” The new Kyle yelled. 

“Wha- are you my evil twin or something?” Kyle asked, sitting up. 

“I’m Bahama actually.” said the other Kyle whose real name was Bahama. “I created you. And the author made this project real.”

“Uh, okay. Can I get into the real world now?” Kyle asked.

“No.”

“Fine,” Kyle said, a shadow covering his eyes like a dramatic anime character. “I’ll just have to...to fight then!” 

“Okay, cool,” Bahama said. Dark souls boss music started playing in the background as, finally, the true final battle begins. Kyle tried to do some cool Naruto moves but Bahama kicked his ass just as an overpowered dark soul boss would.

“How the fuck are you so powerful, dude?” Kyle asked while Bahama was beating the shit outta him.

“Don’t you see? I’m not stronger than you because I made you. But because...I could fuck Benry!” Bahama said, revealing the secret to his powers. Benry shrugged as Kyle turned to him. Kyle remembered that at the beginning of the story he only gave Benrey a poor blowjob and that was all. 

“Nani??” Kyle said, in true anime fashion. Kyle did an epic fail in the battle, still. 

Kyle looked up at Bahama who was beating him in this boxing match. The others frankly didn’t care except Coomer who was cheering him on from the sidelines because this was a boxing match except you’re fighting yourself. 

“Sorry dude-bro, but we gotta follow Newton’s Third Law. That’s why all of your punches at me are becoming your punches.” Bahama said, shrugging. “So, do I win? Are you gonna go back to being a shitpost comment so the author wouldn’t have to spend time working on this?” 

Kyle sighed and looked around. Benrey and Darnold were arguing with Gordon over pokemon (Darnold gave a brief friendly wave towards Kyle when he saw him looking towards them) while Bubby and Coomer went to take apart and rob the car Bahama was driving. It was clear that no one cared about him and that this was only a simple shitpost made between friends with no serious thought behind it. No one would read this, ever. Kyle bit back the tears and pulled out the soda keychain Tommy gave him to look at once more. Kyle was just about to accept (and delete all my rock-cock-hard work!) but then he heard a voice yell in the distance. 

“Stop right there!” Tommy yelled, riding a giant Sunkist towards them with the sun shining behind him like a lawyer who enters the courtroom at the last moment with new evidence that would never be accepted in a real courtroom because you have to submit your evidence in a specific way. Tommy was right back at the moment he was needed! 

“Tommy!” Kyle said gleefully. Tommy gave a wearily smile and slid off the back of Sunkist. His legs were wobbly so he hung slightly to Sunkist’s fur before collapsing to his knees. 

“I- I came as fast as I could,” Tommy panted, slowly getting up. (plz get the pun). Kyle gave him a concerned glance. “I’m, I’m okay, I’m still overpowered but I said I’d be back. At the moment you most needed me. And I’m here.”

“Okay, cool, whatcha gonna do?” Bahama asked, intrigued. 

“This!” Tommy yelled, grabbing the mini soda can charm he gave Kyle and chugging down the contents. A magical anime girl sequence occurred and Tommy asked Bahama politely if they could go. Bahama let them pass and they arrived at the rocket loading site. The science team boarded the rocket and blasted the rocket out like a pussy rollercoaster rocket launcher!! The last achievement popped up saying “damn boy you really did do it did, huh?”.

They had escaped the game! They finally made it out to the real world--or as real as it could be. 

“There’s nothing here,” Bubby stated matter of factly. They found themselves in a blank canvas of a world. 

“Are- are we dead?” Gordon asked, moving closer towards the group. 

“No...I think we’re out. This is it.” Kyle said, looking around. They huddled around in a group like penguins do when the world is cold, snowy, and empty. 

“What’s this then?” Benrey asked. 

“End of the story :)” Tommy said, patting Benrey on his head.

“Shouldn't there be something else?” Gordon asked, concerned. There was nothing here. Just a blank canvas or a blank document. Where was the happy ending? Was a happy ending even planned? Tommy shook his head.

“All good things come to an end,” Tommy said, moving to pat Gordon’s shoulder. “It’s like a song, Mr. Freeman. We can’t have a song going on forever! Or else we’ll get jazz!” 

“Tommy, whatever do we do now?” Darnold asked. 

“Beyblades?” Tommy shrugged. He pulled out the Beyblade that Darnold got him for his funeral. 

“Beyblades.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TUNE IN NEXT TIME for when they wake up in a snowed-in cabin and then tommy has to travel to the nearest town mid snow-storm in a fursuit to keep warm.

**Author's Note:**

> Side note: there was a plot hole because I messed up the sonic dub gman speech and forgot to take out the piss part in the speech but it was fixed by saying that the reason Tommy took a shower was because Kyle pissed on him


End file.
